Election Day in the U.S. is less than two weeks away. Candidates everywhere are scrambling to put ANYTHING on the air.
So, as a public service to our public servants, I present The Handy-Dandy Do-It-Yourself Campaign Commercial!
Just fill in the blanks, print a copy, and contact your media rep, post haste.
CANDIDATE: Hello, this is (your name). I’m your candidate for (elected office).
I grew up right here in (town / region / religious cult).
And I would be honored to represent you in (city hall / our county seat / the state capitol / the White House / federal prison).
I stand for (choose any three: opportunity / growth / education / economic development / jobs / Big Bird / banning pageant performances of songs from Frozen).
My opponent, (poopy-face’s name), would have you believe that (he/she) supports these causes. But, my fellow Americans, nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, (the poopster) voted AGAINST (building schools / children’s hospital funding / little league baseball / Betty White / puppies and kittens / your grandmother).
Furthermore, (the grand poop-bah) SUPPORTED (flag burning / book burning / cake burning / Ben Affleck as Batman / U2’s free iTunes album).
Is this the kind of representation you (want / deserve / paid for)?
On Election Day, vote (integrity / honesty / sober). Vote (your name) for (elected office).
Remember, (poopmaster general) doesn’t like you. But I like you. A lot.
ANNOUNCER: Paid for by the (committee to elect / friends of / sons and daughters of / brainless puppets of ) (your name).
CANDIDATE: I’m (your name) and I (approve / can’t believe I’m using) this message.