How To Write An Email (That Will Get You Fired, Sued, Dumped, Unfriended, Etc.)

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1. Open a blank email.
2. Immediately fill in the recipient section. This will serve as a friendly reminder in case you forget who you’re writing to.
3. When sending a group email, be sure to include everybody’s personal email in the recipient line. Do NOT blind carbon copy (BCC). You have nothing to hide. Besides, this is a wonderful opportunity for mutual friends and colleagues to network. The more personal addresses you can include, the better.
4. Write your email. Unload. Let it all out. Don’t hold anything back, pardner. Tell them how you really feel.
5. Illustrate your feelings with multiple emoticons and emojis.
6. Don’t edit your email. Editing shows weakness. It says, “I didn’t say it right the first time.”
7. Ignore spellcheck, punctuation, and grammatical errors. These little nuances show the recipient that you’re real, raw, and unfiltered. Nobody will judge you on that stuff anyway.
8. Add an exhaustively detailed signature. This is your opportunity to share as much about yourself as possible. Include the most essential information, such as: Name, company logo(s), mailing address, email address(es), office phone number, cell phone number, fax number, Skype username, website, Facebook page, Twitter handle, along with links to your LinkdIn, Google+, Instagram, Tumblr, and Pinterest pages. Be sure to include a lengthy paragraph-long quote from an obscure writer. Also, people love pictures. So a large headshot of yourself would be the cherry on top. (Bonus points if it’s a Glamour Shot from 1992.)
9. There’s no need to close with a legal disclaimer. I mean, it’s not like someone is going to use this email against you, right? But if you insist on including a disclaimer, consider asking your lawyer draw up an all-encompassing legal notice (complete with sections, articles, and sub-paragraphs). Copy and paste the ENTIRE document at the bottom of your email to cover all bases.
10. Push send immediately. Tick, tock. Time’s a-wastin’.

Follow these guidelines to craft emails guaranteed to get you fired, sued, dumped, unfriended, slapped, taken out of a will, ostracized, blacklisted, blackmailed, run out of town, etc.

Or…

If you’d prefer to learn how to write kinder, gentler, and more professional emails, ignore everything I said and purchase a copy of Lynn’s fantastic new ebook, OH DEAR: RESTORING KINDNESS & PROFESSIONALISM TO THE AGE OF EMAIL.

For a minimum donation of 99 cents, you’ll soon be writing emails people actually ENJOY opening (and helping a great cause, too).

Choose wisely.