- Open a blank email.
- Immediately fill in the recipient section. This will serve as a friendly reminder in case you forget who you’re writing to.
- When sending a group email, be sure to include everybody’s personal email in the recipient line. Do NOT blind carbon copy (BCC). You have nothing to hide. Besides, this is a wonderful opportunity for mutual friends and colleagues to network. The more personal addresses you can include, the better.
- Write your email. Unload. Let it all out. Don’t hold anything back, pardner. Tell them how you really feel.
- Illustrate your feelings with multiple emoticons and emojis.
- Don’t edit your email. Editing shows weakness. It says, “I didn’t say it right the first time.”
- Ignore spellcheck, punctuation, and grammatical errors. These little nuances show the recipient that you’re real, raw, and unfiltered. Nobody will judge you on that stuff anyway.
- Add an exhaustively detailed signature. This is your opportunity to share as much about yourself as possible. Include the most essential information, such as: Name, company logo(s), mailing address, email address(es), office phone number, cell phone number, fax number, Skype username, website, Facebook page, Twitter handle, along with links to your LinkdIn, Google+, Instagram, Tumblr, and Pinterest pages. Be sure to include a lengthy paragraph-long quote from an obscure writer. Also, people love pictures. So a large headshot of yourself would be the cherry on top. (Bonus points if it’s a Glamour Shot from 1992.)
- There’s no need to close with a legal disclaimer. I mean, it’s not like someone is going to use this email against you, right? But if you insist on including a disclaimer, consider asking your lawyer draw up an all-encompassing legal notice (complete with sections, articles, and sub-paragraphs). Copy and paste the ENTIRE document at the bottom of your email to cover all bases.
- Push send immediately. Tick, tock. Time’s a-wastin’.
Follow these guidelines to craft emails guaranteed to get you fired, sued, dumped, unfriended, slapped, taken out of a will, ostracized, blacklisted, blackmailed, run out of town, etc.
If you’d prefer to learn how to write kinder, gentler, and more professional emails, ignore everything I said and purchase a copy of Lynn’s fantastic new ebook, OH DEAR: RESTORING KINDNESS & PROFESSIONALISM TO THE AGE OF EMAIL.